short funny affirmations

I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. 253. 106. 127. 175. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 28. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Can February march? 257. 186. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 36. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Life begins on Friday night. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. I can always be fatter. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. 120. 240. 237. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 5. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. I did not trip and fall. Why did the school kids eat their homework? If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. 25. Life is becoming easier and less serious. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 272. 4. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. Good morning! Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 189. How do astronomers organize a party? 74. 171. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 126. 1. 70. Envelope. 33. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! Why did the can crusher quit his job? Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. - Unkmown. - Jeffrey Gitomer. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. "Have a great Wednesday. My mind is becoming much sharper. Czech proverb, 261. ~ Bill Gates. 85. Your values become your destiny. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Some when they enter, some when they leave. 218. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 53. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. What is Mozart doing right now? 87. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. It's OK to take a break. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. 275. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. 222. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Life is always rocky when youre a gem. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 7. When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. Erma Bombeck Say "Thank you" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of GratitudeIntro Speech by Denzel Washington (Commencement Speech)Main speech by Fearless Soul "Tha. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Any text will do. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. Actually, you dont have to imagine. Never take life seriously. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. I tell you what always catches my eye. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. We have a connection. I release all shame about my body. I feed my spirit. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. You wanna know who Im in love with? 245. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Its scary when it disappears. "I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I'm Sergios Rotar, a 21 years old personal development enthusiast. Theres life without Facebook and internet? If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Steven Wright 25. Bill Murray, 251. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. I can create positive change in the world. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. Youre talking to yourself. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Breasts dont have eyes. 210. 126. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 21. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Not everyone has good taste., 3. Oh sheet! 45. The only power you have is the word no. Not everyone has good taste. Some people are like clouds. 2. 3. You can be positive and yet be funny and easy-going. 5. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. 113. Shoot for the moon. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? I dont suffer from insanity. - Unknown. I am tough and resilient. 131. 90. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. The only power you have is the word no. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. 133. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". 180. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. Charles M. Schulz. 79. Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. I am full of vitality. My jokes do. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. 5. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! 1. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. 14. Can February march? Emphasis on the cool. 216. Explore the latest videos from hashtags: #affirmations, #affirmation, #funnyaffirmation, #dailyaffirmations, #affirmationsoftheday, # . 71. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. 195. 99. Enjoy! Boost your ego and narcissism in as little as 5 minutes per day and set yourself up for success. The best things in life are free. 39 funny positive affirmations. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. 1. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. And a funny bone., 10. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. 12. 107. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. - TS Eliot. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. 23. Because it was soda pressing. I am lazy till I get a motive. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 159. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Edward A. Murphy. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 225. 1. 195. 142. We all need a little energy boost here and there. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. 232. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. A wishbone. 19. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. 33. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. Related Post: 201 Awesome Short Inspirational Quotes About Life. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. 69. But you can always be immature. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. A backbone. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 197. 7. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 103. 1. 153. 173. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. It doesnt work if it is not open. And get over it. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 205. Effective pushing often involves poop. 166. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. 31. Sometimes the M is silent. 1. Envelope. 121. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Sincerely, yourself. 8. Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 193. 6. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 76. A wishbone. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. 185. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 84. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. Albert Einstein. 17. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. 239. 18. 190. 222. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. Learn sign language, its very handy. 83. I will go out. 169. I understand success cant happen overnight. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. I dont want to fix my spending habits. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. 39. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. 90. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Bill Murray, 260. Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. Because seven ate nine. I am so f*cking awesome. 92. 122. 73. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? 61. 213. Friday Affirmations. 200. 93. When life closes a door, just open it again. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. 96. I am attractive just as I am. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 229. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. 117. Chop your own wood. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 168. 27. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. I never apologize. 10. Short Funny Affirmations. Sincerely, yourself. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 69. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. 208. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. 115. 40. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 135. Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. Learn sign language, its very handy. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. My mood swings keep life interesting. It gets toad away. 110. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 26. What do I do for a living? I focus on breathing and grounding myself. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. In the morning, I cant get up. 8. 260. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people., 5. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 9. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. 229. Microchips. 135. 71. Milton Berle You deserve it! What do I do for a living? How do you count cows? Why cant you play cards on a small boat? If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. What is Mozart doing right now? My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 271. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. Paul Ehrlich When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Steve Martin, 254. 147. 105. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. You never run out of things that can go wrong. 248. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Sam Levenson. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. Is it perfect? To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 164. 202. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 215. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Never forget that broken crayons can also color. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. 170. health is important. 105. 2. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. "You have to be odd to be number one.". Alright, get in the basket. Best friends eat your food. Ensure that your actions match your words. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Wilson Mizner 9. 98. 120. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. Its a door, thats how they work. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 56. 268. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. 6. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. Billy Wilder. Rodney Dangerfield. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 172. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. 20. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. 201. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. 177. 9. 123. 94. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Life always offers you a second chance. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. 2. But it'll move up again.". Cindy from Marzahn A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. When nothing is going right, go left. Your email address will not be published. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 207. Never ask a starfish for directions. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Ben Hogan. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. grateful. 256. Art doesnt transform. 167. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. - F. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. - Bette Midler. 4. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. 130. 197. 38. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. You have to go after it with a club. I feel great. 26. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 1. 226. Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. Bill Murray 100. 86. 1. You try again, but no sound is coming out. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. 85. 178. 111. 21. Oh sheet!. Focus on the positives and be grateful. Decomposing. 163. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Sam Levenson Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. 161. 123. Expect nothing and appreciate everything. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Never judge a book by its movie. 191. 48. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 181. 159. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 49. 141. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. My chins are a stairway to heaven. 192. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 139. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. 89. 247. Stuart Turner Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Today, I look at my goals. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Have a look! I dont go crazy, I am crazy. In between, I am alive. 1. 7. It will warm you twice unknown. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 277. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 201. 267. Honolulu, its got everything. 278. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . 75. I can do this. Why was six scared of seven? 242. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. - Benjamin Franklin. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Positive mindset affirmations. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. Exercise? I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Chris Rock Good morning! "If you see me talking to myself. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. 250. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. 265. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. - Catherine Pulsifer. Ann Landers, 244. 23. Why was six scared of seven? Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. How do trees access the internet? Its a door, thats how they work. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. George Burns, 253. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Happy Birthday.". happy. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Ken Dodd, 255. Be careful when you follow the masses. 119. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.".

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